dear friend,
it’s been 20 days since you pushed me away totally. everyday i regret why i had to do that stupid thing. my anger on what happened to you has never extinguished, but obviously there was a better way to react from it. what on earth got into me? even i'm surprised at myself, how could i actually do that, for real? i dunno if you read my apology message. maybe yes, maybe not. you must be fuming with annoyance for what i’ve done and have been doing for eons. i’ve pondered upon escaping life a lot. i’m just so frustrated with myself. i regret it so much. i'm burning inside with distress, hoping that you’d forgive me. hoping that everything went back okay. hoping that the people that you accept to care about you protect you as they should. hoping that you can forgive me. but here i'm in all this darkness. i can’t get myself to force myself or even yourself to talk to me anymore about this beyond my apology, because you don’t want to talk to me anymore, so i have to let it be. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. amidst all this depressive thoughts, maybe this is god’s way of breaking us apart. this may be god’s fulfilling of some people’s wishes for us to break apart. or that whatever was prayed for requires us to be broken apart. but don’t they know that that could also mean i no longer live in this world anymore??! how close that was!!!?? doesn’t matter at all, right? what matters is that god has destined this to happen. i still regret myself. i still shouldn’t have done it. i still had the obvious alternate better choice. i still deserve to be punished. i still have callings to escape all this. all that and still, this is god’s way of breaking us apart because all previous measures did not work. that’s why i had to do that stupid thing. oh why do i even wake up anymore? :( it's been more than 700 consecutive days that when i wake up as many times as i sleep in the day, i think about you. as many times as i start closing my eyes in the day, i think about you. everyday i live through this painful vacuum in my heart, longing for you. to see you, to make you laugh, to hear about your day, to send you funny cats and turtles videos, to share dad jokes with you, to wish that i be a part of your days. but alas, i’m not among the ones you accept to be within your life. it’s not an overstatement when you used to jokingly say, that i’m obsessed with you and the people around you. because what else could all this be? it’s an obsession, right? is this called a mental disorder? compulsive obsession? whatever it’s subjectively called? or i'm under a witchcraft spell to be crazy about you?? surely no, but obsession yes, i guess. i don’t know why i need to behave like this and write all this. do i wanna make you feel guilty? am i wanting to spread this depression to you? no. i don’t want that. i know. i know all this is doing exactly that, and nothing else but potentially polluting your happiness. you deserve all the love and care from the people you accept, and deserve to reject all unwelcoming attention from people you don’t. this is simply toxic behavior from me. you should be able to live happily ever after without me. what ever the hell am i messing around here anymore? if i sincerely want you to be happy, i should pack up all my shit and disappear from your life, right? i’m just selfishly intruding your life. it’s all just for my own benefit and nothing for you. and if i still can’t do that, might as well i be incapacitated so that i can achieve what i truly want, that is for your happiness. isn’t that it, dear self? but if i were to take that drastic action, who knows if you’d be hurt about it? maybe not in the sense that because you care about me, of course not. but in the sense that it’s disturbing to you to be a connected reason to such traumatic behaviour. i don't want to hurt you. i want you safe and happy. but what if you didn’t know the reason at all? like i just don’t write anything like this, don’t give any freaking hint, and just vanish? that’s the best way to achieve it. i cannot let any of these dark secrets revealed, not even a glimpse of it. i just have to disappear. would that be the best? no :( i’m sorry. i just want you to forgive me. i just want you to talk to me. i just want to remove all this animosity and silence, whether imaginary or not, between us. it hurts so much. until you forgive me and tell me, i will try my best to endure this suffering and hope this depression does not take my life away prematurely. i’m sorry, please forgive me :(